Five Friends I No Longer See

“Tulsi advises to serve Shri Rama with love and patience, while renouncing attachment to those considered dear, because it is Rama who makes the situation pleasurable, whether gaining or losing.” (Dohavali, 150)

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सेवा सील सनेह बस करि परिहरि प्रिय लोग।
तुलसी ते सब राम सों सुखद सँजोग बियोग ॥

sevā sīla saneha basa kari parihari priya loga।
tulasī te saba rāma soṃ sukhada sa~joga biyoga ॥

1. Classmates from school

“We had so much fun together. I don’t remember school being as serious as it is today. This is based on what I see in the news. During my time we learned, for sure. We paid attention. We did not cause disruptions. At the same time, there was plenty of time to interact. I remember those friends of mine, but I wonder if they remember me. I have not spoken to them in decades.”

2. Colleagues at work

“It is the strangest thing. You see someone every single day. They sit only a few feet away from you. It is like you are both inmates sharing a prison cell. Then, out of nowhere, they are gone. They move on to another job. You promise to keep in touch, but that rarely happens. They have a new office that they sit in, at their new place of work. I wonder if they remember all the good times we shared together.”

3. My teammates

“It was so much fun playing on that team. The comradery, the highs and the lows, supporting one another. I grew so much as a person during that time. Everyone eventually moved on, but at least we have those memories to look back on.”

4. My family member

“I used to see them all the time. I took it for granted. I never thought about losing them. Then it just happens. That is the cycle of life, I guess. People are coming and going. I wish they wouldn’t leave so soon. I wish there was a way to see them again.”

5. My lifelong supporter

“Wow, we knew each other since before we can remember. We never had to question our friendship. We were always tight. But then something happened. Maybe there was an argument. Fighting over a trivial matter. Anyway, that pretty much ended things. We are no longer friends. It definitely hurts. I don’t understand why life has to be this way.”

…

In each of these cases, there might not actually be a negative incident causing the separation. There might still be some affection. These people are considered dear. I might still refer to them as my friends.

The thing is, we no longer see each other. The joy from association is absent. It was there at a previous time. I might long to revisit those times, to have the comfort and safety embedded in a previous period of time. I now know that things worked out, so I look back fondly at the time that went by so quickly.

Goswami Tulsidas advises against maintaining such attachments. Not that a person should renounce friendship. Not that I should not hold affection for people who have helped me, who were there for me, who provided vital assistance, who made an untold number of sacrifices for my benefit.

Rather, the focus should be on seva, or service, to the Supreme Personality of Godhead. With patience and good character, shila, I should continue to serve the one who is everything and more. He is the origin of the creation. He is the source of the material and spiritual worlds. He is the only well-wishing friend who remembers all of my past experiences in this world.

श्री-भगवान् उवाच
बहूनि मे व्यतीतानि
जन्मानि तव चार्जुन
तान्य् अहं वेद सर्वाणि
न त्वं वेत्थ परन्तप

śrī-bhagavān uvāca
bahūni me vyatītāni
janmāni tava cārjuna
tāny ahaṁ veda sarvāṇi
na tvaṁ vettha parantapa

“The Blessed Lord said: Many, many births both you and I have passed. I can remember all of them, but you cannot, O subduer of the enemy!” (Bhagavad-gita, 4.5)

Tulsidas provides a key distinction with this approach. Whereas I am sad when someone is no longer friendly with me, when they might have turned inimical, the same will never apply with Shri Rama. I have lost the association of dear friends and family, and in some cases that association will never return. This is a cause of sadness.

On the other hand, in worshiping the Supreme Lord there is always happiness, sukhada. This is true whether things come together, samyoga, or things break apart, viyoga. The two conditions are otherwise in duality.

For instance, today it is raining outside. The humidity is almost at one hundred percent. It is unseasonably cold. I would much rather prefer the sunshine and warmth that it brings. Does this mean that today is lost? Am I to sit around depressed? Should I curse at the sky?

It would be better to remain the same whether in heat or in cold. This is one of the benefits of worshiping the Supreme Lord in bhakti-yoga. There is auspiciousness all around. Whether someone is cursing me, praising me, meeting me for the first time, or forever leaving my association, it is always Rama who determines the conditions. And it is with Rama I will always stay.

In Closing:

Whether physical pain throbbing,
Or curses my way lobbing.

Or offering highest praise,
Up and down the ways.

But sukhada within steady pace,
Happy with whatever to face.

Since to Shri Rama yielding,
Who ultimate control wielding.