Why The Forgiving Nature In The Traumatized

“I would consider it better for the sons of Dhritarashtra to kill me unarmed and unresisting, rather than fight with them.” (Arjuna, Bhagavad-gita, 1.45)

Download this episode (right click and save)

यदि मामप्रतीकारमशस्त्रं शस्त्रपाणयः
धार्तराष्ट्रा रणे हन्युस्तन्मे क्षेमतरं भवेत्

yadi mām apratīkāram
aśastraṁ śastra-pāṇayaḥ
dhārtarāṣṭrā raṇe hanyus
tan me kṣema-taraṁ bhavet

“I have stumbled upon a pattern which I find interesting. It relates to childhood trauma. I understand that in the modern day it is fashionable to blame the parents. The trendy thing to do is to claim victimhood, roll into a ball on the couch, and cry about how mean everyone was to you while growing up. Some of these concerns are certainly valid, but then there is this softness that results which does not benefit the person when they grow up to be an adult. It stunts the maturity into independence, from how I see it.

“There is substantiation from shastra. We find repeated mention within Bhagavad-gita of the need to remain steady. Above the ups and downs. A cool customer. Tolerate the difficulties. Acknowledge the temporary nature to gain. Try to act the same no matter what is happening.

यं हि न व्यथयन्त्येते पुरुषं पुरुषर्षभ
समदुःखसुखं धीरं सोऽमृतत्वाय कल्पते

yaṁ hi na vyathayanty ete
puruṣaṁ puruṣarṣabha
sama-duḥkha-sukhaṁ dhīraṁ
so ’mṛtatvāya kalpate

“O best among men [Arjuna], the person who is not disturbed by happiness and distress and is steady in both is certainly eligible for liberation.” (Lord Krishna, Bhagavad-gita, 2.15)

“The pattern I have noticed is that those who are truly traumatized during childhood end up not holding lingering resentment. For instance, if let’s say that as a child I was bullied in school. Because of my ethnicity. Because of the way I dressed. In how my culture was not known to most of the students.

“It is something like the law of the jungle. The strong pounce on the weak. They look for anything to gain an advantage. The victims often do not know what to do. They are not expecting the attack. They simply want to attend school. They want to be a normal kid. They want to fit in.

“These victims often grow up to be really nice people. They are not angry about what took place. They have forgiven, but not necessarily forgotten. You might call it a kind of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’, but I think there is something else going on.

“Meanwhile, the people who are resentful are the ones who had it easy. At least that is what I have witnessed. Why is this the case? Why are the traumatized so quick to move on? Why are the ones who never really struggled so quick to complain about life?”

We can think of the life experience like being punched repeatedly, from beginning to end. This does not have to be the physical case of violence from aggressors. Rather, the whipping is from illusion itself. The Sanskrit word is maya. The literal meaning is “that which is not.”

I am broken. I am beaten. I am scarred. I tried for this thing or that. I wanted to get along with others. I hoped that this other person would enjoy my association. I could not understand the harsh and cold treatment in return, which manifested out of nowhere. For every victory there is an accompanying failure, which is colossal. Just when I thought I had everything figured out, life ended up getting the last laugh.

येषां त्व् अन्त-गतं पापं
जनानां पुण्य-कर्मणाम्
ते द्वन्द्व-मोह-निर्मुक्ता
भजन्ते मां दृढ-व्रताः

yeṣāṁ tv anta-gataṁ pāpaṁ
janānāṁ puṇya-karmaṇām
te dvandva-moha-nirmuktā
bhajante māṁ dṛḍha-vratāḥ

“Persons who have acted piously in previous lives and in this life, whose sinful actions are completely eradicated and who are freed from the duality of delusion, engage themselves in My service with determination.” (Lord Krishna, Bhagavad-gita, 7.28)

Shri Krishna says that a person approaches Him in earnest only after they have exhausted sinful reactions, pāpam. The association with maya, in the drive for self-interest, is always pāpa at the core. It is moving away from the Supreme Lord and service to Him. Another way to describe the same is to say that we only come to see the light after we have been defeated a sufficient number of times.

As to the forgiving nature we see in the traumatized, this is usually based on intelligence. The ideal example in this regard is Arjuna. The plight of his family well-documented in the Mahabharata text, Arjuna had ample justification to hold lingering resentment towards the Kauravas, and especially Duryodhana. The torture the Pandavas endured was never warranted. They were essentially punished for being good people.

When the moment for retribution arrived, when the perpetrators were set to finally experience dharma in full force, Arjuna hesitated. This was extending forgiveness beyond an acceptable level. Arjuna would rather the other side steamroll him. Without a fair fight. Just give in. Let the bullies take whatever they want.

The ill-timed and misplaced compassion was corrected by the teacher of all teachers, Shri Krishna. Arjuna eventually found the right way. Does this mean we have to undergo trauma in order to learn? Do we have to be victims in order to see the wrong in the way of the abusers?

सक्ताः कर्मण्यविद्वांसो यथा कुर्वन्ति भारत
कुर्याद्विद्वांस्तथासक्तश्चिकीर्षुर्लोकसङ्‍‍ग्रहम्

saktāḥ karmaṇy avidvāṁso
yathā kurvanti bhārata
kuryād vidvāṁs tathāsaktaś
cikīrṣur loka-saṅgraham

“As the ignorant perform their duties with attachment to results, similarly the learned may also act, but without attachment, for the sake of leading people on the right path.” (Lord Krishna, Bhagavad-gita, 3.25)

The Supreme Personality of Godhead advises the wise to set the best example. We can learn from the trauma experienced by Arjuna and his family, without necessarily enduring the same for ourselves. This is the infinitely extending mercy of the saintly person, the sadhu. They know so much about life already. They are familiar with the evidence, whether in one or all of the three known ways [pratyaksha, anumana, shabda]. The superior way, which also saves time, is to accept the shabda-pramana, in hearing the evidence from the proper source, who will subsequently give direction for the proper way to live.

“Vedic knowledge is called shabda-pramana. Another name is shruti. Shruti means that this knowledge has to be received simply by aural reception. The Vedas instruct that in order to understand transcendental knowledge, we have to hear from the authority.” (Shrila Prabhupada, Shri Ishopanishad, Introduction)

In Closing:

So many times I fell,
With too much grief to tell.

But no resentment to linger,
Known as forgiveness bringer.

Because knowledge through,
Understanding why and who.

That this world filled with grief,
Only through shruti relief.