Why Does It Sometimes Feel Like God Can See Right Through Me

“When I have spoken to you thus, why are you not responding to me? A pious soul named Sugriva, who is a warrior and a hero among Vanaras, being expelled by his brother, wanders the earth with a distressed mind.” (Hanuman speaking to Rama and Lakshmana, Valmiki Ramayana, Kishkindha Kand, 3.19-20)

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एवं मां परिभाषन्तं कस्माद्वै नाभिभाषथः
सुग्रीवो नाम धर्मात्मा कश्चिद्वानरयूथपः
वीरो विनिकृतो भ्रात्रा जगद्भ्रमति दुःखितः

evaṃ māṃ paribhāṣantaṃ kasmādvai nābhibhāṣathaḥ
sugrīvo nāma dharmātmā kaścidvānarayūthapaḥ
vīro vinikṛto bhrātrā jagadbhramati duḥkhitaḥ

“Listen, I try to see all sides to any argument. If there is a disagreement brewing, one where I have no vested interest, I still like to ponder the circumstances, the issues, the particulars, and so forth. I guess it is like indulging the legal side of me. I pretend I am the judge, listening to the prosecution and the defense, while trying to remain impartial. The argument today is worshiping the deity, in the tradition of the Vedas.

“I recognize that in some parts of the world the whole ordeal seems strange, bordering on make-believe, in the manner that young children host a tea party. The people of a particular area have no exposure to anything similar. They have been taught since birth, in the tradition of spirituality inherited from their ancestors, that to assign attributes to the Almighty is sinful. It is wrong to put up an image, a painting, and offer worship. I mean, I have no idea why that would be sinful, but I recognize that people have been conditioned to view things in that way.

“When you go beyond the dogma and start to recognize the science to it, in the juxtaposition between worshiper and object of worship, the whole thing makes sense. The people worshiping are always in the subordinate position. No matter how much they rise. No matter how much money they acquire. No matter how secure they feel. It is not like one person is more mortal than another. Everyone is equally not immortal. Shri Hanuman is correct when he compares the body to one of those bubbles that rises from the surface of the ocean and then disappears, as if by random.”

शोच्या शोचसि कं शोच्यं दीनं दीनाऽनुकम्पसे
कस्य कोवाऽनुशोच्योऽस्ति देहेऽस्मिन् बुद्बुदोपमे

śocyā śocasi kaṃ śocyaṃ dīnaṃ dīnā’nukampase
kasya kovā’nuśocyo’sti dehe’smin budbudopame

“Whom are you lamenting for when you yourself are pitiable? Why do you pity the poor when you yourself have now been made poor? While in this body that is like a bubble, how can anyone look at anyone else as being worthy of lamentation?” (Hanuman speaking to Tara, Valmiki Ramayana, Kishkindha Kand, 21.3)

“The object of worship is always in the superior position. It is only natural for the inferior to supplicate the superior. It is only natural to view an object with distinguishable features. Even if we look up into the sky and appreciate the brightness of the sun, the beauty of the clouds, the color of the horizon, and so forth, we are looking at distinct objects. We are drawing distinctions. All worship involves distinctions.

“Let me describe a personal experience to you and see if you can relate. Sometimes, it feels like the deity is this great purifying agent. Like all of my pretensions are gone, as soon as I stand in front and offer respect. It is like the deity is a person who knows all of my faults, all of my shortcomings, all of the things I have done wrong, all of my flaws, and so forth. At the same time, the deity still accepts me. It is liberating, humbling, and exhilarating to have such an interaction. To the nonbeliever, I am only looking at a picture, at a sculpture made of stone, brass, wood, or what have you. I am interacting with the inanimate, but I feel something that no animate being could ever make me feel.

“It is like the object of worship knows who I truly am. They have been my friend since before I can remember. I perhaps have forgotten them, but they have never forgotten me. It is an indescribable experience; one that cannot be rationalized with words of philosophy. You have to kind of experience it to believe it. How can someone else ever understand such an experience through argument, words of persuasion, or a formal lecture?”

We see this very transformation play out in the literal sense in the initial meeting between Hanuman and the two princes from Ayodhya, Rama and Lakshmana. They are two brothers, foreign to the Kishkindha area. The Vanara leader named Sugriva is worried, based on what he sees from atop Mount Rishyamukha. Sugriva sends Hanuman to go check out the scene. Find out what is going on. Why are these princes here? What is their purpose? What are they looking for?

Hanuman descends the mountain and uses his intelligence to mask his form. If the brothers are inimical, if they are like assassins in search of a target, they might be less hostile towards a mendicant. Hanuman takes this form and begins his inquiry. He cannot help but praise Rama. Lakshmana is Rama’s younger brother.

Hanuman talks and talks, but there is no response. Finally, Hanuman cannot help but reveal his true purpose. He cannot keep the ruse going. It is like all the pretensions vanish. Though there was no hostility, no malice to the deception, the direct meeting with Rama changed everything. This can only occur if Rama is someone special. If He is not ordinary, if He has deeper insight into the individual, if He can actually tell what is going on.

“A person who does not express his mind to everyone, or whose mental activity and plan of action are very difficult to understand, is called grave.” (Shrila Prabhupada, The Nectar of Devotion, Ch 26)

This is one way to validate the process of devotional service. If the recommendation of the acharya is really making a difference, we should feel something to the interaction. We will know for certain that the object of worship is paying attention, is listening, is seeing through us. The worship is ultimately for our benefit, after all, as we are spirit soul. We are forever linked to the object of worship. We only have unfortunately forgotten, and the spiritual guide is sent from above to remind us, to bring us back into the transcendental light.

In Closing:

Though a statue to stand,
With authority to command.

Seeing right through me,
Knowing that alive is He.

With no one else the same,
Gone my pride and shame.

Must be something at the source,
In worship of deity course.