Five Sounds That Might Really Annoy Me

“’You said that He is indeed everywhere, so why can He not be seen in this pillar? If I do see that Vishnu right now in the middle of the pillar, then I will not kill you. Otherwise, you will be divided into two.’ Having seen (his father) in that way, Prahlada began to meditate on that Supreme Lord.” (Narasimha Purana, 44.10-11)

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त्वयोक्तं स हि सर्वत्र कस्मात् स्तम्भे न दृश्यते
यदि पश्यामि तं विष्णुम् अधुना स्तम्भमध्यगम्

तर्हि त्वां न वधिष्यामि भविष्यसि द्विधान्यथा
प्रह्लादो ऽपि तथा दृष्ट्वा दध्यौ तं परमेश्वरम्

tvayoktaṃ sa hi sarvatra kasmāt stambhe na dṛśyate
yadi paśyāmi taṃ viṣṇum adhunā stambhamadhyagam

tarhi tvāṃ na vadhiṣyāmi bhaviṣyasi dvidhānyathā
prahlādo ‘pi tathā dṛṣṭvā dadhyau taṃ parameśvaram

1. Chewing with their mouth open

“Ever since I was a kid. I swear, I think I came out of the womb like this. I never did it myself. Sometimes, it happens, because of an accident, like the food being too hot. In those cases, I get mad at myself, if you can believe it. That is how much the sound bothers me.

“So many people chew with their mouth open, it seems. I had to grow up with that sound. It is the absolute worst. I try to explain it to someone and they think it’s a joke. Once they learn that the sound annoys me, they intentionally exaggerate. They want to make the sound louder.

“By the way, just between you and me, I have used this as an informal test to see if wives are afraid of their husbands are not. If men I know who chew this way continue after marriage, it means that their wives are not assertive enough to step in. They would otherwise correct the mistake immediately, because the sound is so pronounced.”

2. Slurping their soup

“Really? With this again? You don’t realize there are other people around? You can’t tell that they don’t want to hear that? You have to act like the whole world revolves around you? I’ve got news for you. It doesn’t. Put a cap on it, if you get my drift.”

3. Fingernails on a chalkboard

“My goodness, just trying to recreate the sound in my head causes a disturbance. You might get the least resistance on this, as it appears to be universally accepted. The winner of an informal poll of the worst sound you could ever hear. I wonder how it originated. Who first thought of tracking their fingernails across a chalkboard? It must have been a way to torture students. Instead of giving extra homework or making them write notes of contrition on the chalkboard, they had to sit through this sound. That will set any person straight, if you ask me.”

4. Crinkling of plastic

“There I was, finally relaxed. They dimmed the cabin lights. Everyone was quiet. It was to be a long flight, after all. This was the time to rest. Except this person a few seats over decided it was time to eat. Not from anything the flight attendants offered. No, this was brought onto the plane. It was a bag containing what sounded like an endless supply of potato chips. I say that because the sound never ceased. That crinkling. That crunching. I was so mad. It woke me up, just as I finally settled down. I gave that person a venomous stare, but I doubt it made a difference.”

5. Constant reminders of the presence of Vishnu

If your whole identity is based off of this image of a self-made man, someone who pulled themselves up and rose to the top, who can no longer be toppled, then another person pointing out the fraud in that proposal would not be taken to kindly. If it is your own son, then maybe you will show some leniency. You will allow them to speak every now and then. But if even after verbal threats of punishment for insulting their own father fall on deaf ears, then action has to be taken.

This was the mindset of the infamous leader of the Daityas known as Hiranyakashipu. His own son took it upon himself to speak about Vishnu. Just who exactly is this Vishnu person? According to Prahlada, Vishnu is the person we should worship. Just from when, exactly? Starting from the tender age of childhood. Prahlada had thought this out. He figured that so much of the valuable human life experience gets wasted on routine maintenance. Eating, sleeping, and the like. Then there is the lengthy period of instruction, in sitting in the prison-like atmosphere that is school. Old age is no picnic, so what time is there remaining for focusing on important matters?

श्रीप्रह्राद उवाच
कौमार आचरेत्प्राज्ञो धर्मान्भागवतानिह
दुर्लभं मानुषं जन्म तदप्यध्रुवमर्थदम्

śrī-prahrāda uvāca
kaumāra ācaret prājño
dharmān bhāgavatān iha
durlabhaṁ mānuṣaṁ janma
tad apy adhruvam arthadam

“Prahlada Maharaja said: One who is sufficiently intelligent should use the human form of body from the very beginning of life—in other words, from the tender age of childhood—to practice the activities of devotional service, giving up all other engagements. The human body is most rarely achieved, and although temporary like other bodies, it is meaningful because in human life one can perform devotional service. Even a slight amount of sincere devotional service can give one complete perfection.” (Shrimad Bhagavatam, 7.6.1)

To the father, nothing was more important than enjoying. That is the reward for triumph, for winning at life. You get to do whatever you want. You can engage the senses, nonstop, from morning until night. There is no question of limitation or self-imposed denial. No one is there to stop you. Renunciation is for the weak. Vairagya is for the beggars, of which Hiranyakashipu was previously one.

But that was the past. This is the present. Why should the father tolerate hearing about this Vishnu person? It was the worst sound. Prahlada kept insisting that Vishnu is the source of strength, the most important subject of education, and an all-pervading entity. Hiranyakashipu thought that was ridiculous. How could Vishnu be everywhere? How could anyone actually be sarvatra?

What about the nearby pillar? That is a place. That is a point on a map. That has coordinates, if considering latitude and longitude. Is Vishnu in the pillar? He would have to be, if the sarvatra property is real. If Prahlada was telling the truth, then Vishnu should show Himself in the pillar. Otherwise, the annoying sound would finally be stopped. The father would take his powerful sword and split his own son in half. Unfortunately for the father, the son was telling the truth. Vishnu is indeed sarvatra, and the auspicious sound of glorification continues to this day.

In Closing:

To the father suspicious,
But to saints auspicious.

That description of Vishnu who,
Who Supreme and sarvatra too.

Like the worst sound he could hear,
Like torture to father’s ear.

Such that finally putting to an end,
But sword like a signal to send.